Forty-Two

Everything in me wants You.
Everything within me.
Everywhere I go, everyone I’m with, everything I do, there’s a silent cry deep inside:
I want You.
My mind strains for Your words.
My spirit searches for a glimpse.
Even my body craves for just a touch from You

So why don’t I come running?
Why am I not watching, looking, searching to find?

Feelings and thoughts attack me.
Doubts, hurts, questions go round and round in a circle of noise.
In the day I seek sleep to flee
But they keep me up at night.

They push and pull, take and lead me down the same road:
Where are You?
Where have You gone?
Why have You left me?
Do You know where I am?
Do You know who I am?
Do You care how I am?

I cast my mind back as I make my silent screams
How I’ve stood before men proud to be Yours.
How I’ve fought for You and talked for You
How I’ve trained others and changed others
On the front foot at the forefront, I’ve nailed my colours to the wall

So why am I low? Why is it now I want to lay my armour down?
The loneliness; the emptiness; the impotence; the pain.
I need to dream of You again, for one day I’ll see You
My Watcher
My Keeper.

I’m soulsick
So I look back over our walk.
I remember living together and working together and walking together and learning together.
We’ve got history that’s a mystery, but now You’ve come against me!
You’ve run against me
Your hand is against me
You stand against me!

In the summer of life, such kindness; such sweetness.
But the dark night of the soul brings anguish and uncertainty; loneliness and fear

Have You forgotten me? Do You know where I am?
I’m here waiting for Your love, a slave to circumstance that I’m unable to change!
I’ve got inner doubts that gnaw at my shame.
I’ve got bubbling defiance that roars at my pain
How can I defend You, or tell of You, or speak of Your kindness when I even doubt myself!?

People look at me with the pity of compassion.
Others hold a stare of silenced eyes, shaking their head and turning away.
“Where are You?” they cry.
“Where are You?” I sigh.

Why am I tired? Why am I low?
You’ve taken me down the lane of frustration.
You’ve bought me tears of hurt; of pain; of hate and of rage

But I need to keep believing
I need to weave dreams of You
Because I know that one day You’ll make me cry again
Tears from Your kindness.
One day You’ll make me cry again
Tears that say “wow"