Praise God For Plants

The most important thing to be done today? Get some milk. I’ve run out, and only have cereal in my house. Which is fine as I love cereal and have a constant craving for various honey/nut cereals, as my shopping bills illustrate. But my cereal craving is not so overpowering that I consume them dry and unmilked. That’s just savage.

Following my psycho sabbath, I decided to take it easy today. I had a lunchtime appointment, so spent the morning in my bed watching Never Mind The Buzzcocks episodes on YouTube. Without a doubt, I have a man-crush on Simon Amstell. His crazy permed thatch, his geeky dress sense, his twinkly eyes and cheeky smile, his rapier wit... man, I love that guy.

After watching Amstell systematically destroy various b-list celebrity guests on his show, I went to a friends for lunch. We sat in his garden, which is beautiful, and chewed the fat. Not literally you understand, as we had salad for lunch.

I was reminded of all the things I used to enjoy as a kid when it comes to salad. I’m a committed carnivore, but the lure of chlorophyll cuisine proved too strong. Marge Simpson once said 'fruit and veg are natures candy' and it proved to be true. Beetroot, coleslaw, couscous, hummus, lettuce, cherry tomatoes... the only slight disappointment was a lack of pickled onions. There was ham, but dirty porcine cuts aren't my favourite meat. And cheese, french bread and Branston Pickle - three components parts of the sum of all existence. To top it all off, REAL butter! Not margarine, not spread, not some yellow filth but real, creamy, smooth butter.

I came home from my friends about half four, and checked in with my office. Apparently I was a popular boy today and people missed me. HA! I returned some calls of said visitors (well, the visitors I would have been pleased to see) and had a long discussion which can be summed up in two words: politics.

I’ve worked out how to convert file types without downloading software. So any word documents I’ve used can be changed to the more secure PDFs. also, Youtube videos can be changed into mp3's if they are songs. Great for getting hold of live, acoustic and cover versions of songs. Check out zamzar.com and have a play.

My evening consisted of our monthly football committee meeting. I am the secretary, which means that I have to somehow document the discussions. Which can only be compared to having my hands inside oven gloves, which are covered liberally by cooking oil. And then being asked to tie up my shoelaces. My dear readers, the shoelaces defeat me as they are, let alone with further obstacles placed in the way. Praise God for Velcro.

The meeting was a mobius loop of monotony, discussing the same issues again and again. Without any resolution. Or fresh suggestion. And it was the same conversation last month. And the month before that. In fact, at many points during the evening I was looking at ways of ending my perpetual misery. I think I’ve invented a way to commit hari-kari with a paper napkin. Slicing between the fingers and toes is the key, if you're interested.

And I forgot to get the damn milk.